Despair

Hello dearest blog-following friends!! 

I hope this blog finds you as happy as I am right now. And if not, maybe some of my happy will seep through the screen and become your happy too!!

And if, after reading this blog, you are still despairing, don’t. [okay I apologize, because I vehemently dislike it when people command me to feel a certain way

{e.g. THEM: “just don’t be worry about it!” ME: “Oh! Oh! Is that all I have to do!? Not worry about it!? Why thank you. Thank you. I am now fixed.”}

and here I am doing just that, but keep reading because I have included reasons for you to Not Despair! This is my first (and definitely not last) Blossom Blog {my just-now newly-coined term for Self-Help. → Train Of Thought: Self-Help is such a ubiquitous term that definitely does not encompass all that I am hoping to accomplish with this newfound blogging vocation (and by vocation I mean “where my great desire meets the worlds great need” thank you Mark Peters! And here my desire is to write about my {growing} experiences, and I would hope that the worlds desire would be to grow as well and maybe some of my growing and learning and experiencing can help others grow and learn and experience along the way or at the very least provide a support group or forum for those who don’t really know which direction to grow, which I believe I am qualified to facilitate [please note the word choice of “facilitate” and not “lead” because facilitate does not imply having more experience, like the word “lead,” so here I am using it to suggest that the only thing I can offer the group is the fact that I too do not know which direction to grow] and this blog is about How To GROW in your In Between Times, so we are like flowers trying to blossom, ergo Blossom Blog. Again this was a high speed train of thought so it is still up for refurbishing. I will keep you updated.}

And now we will go back to despair.

If, after reading this blog, you are still despairing, don’t. I have been there. Actually 30 minuets ago exactly (I know this because in the middle of my despair I BBMed my friend Christine - and now I just creeped on my own BBM’s to check the time of the “I need you” BBM and actually right now I would like to interrupt this blog –again- to say a huge “Thank you” to every friend, family member, acquaintance, stranger, dog, smell, bowl of soup and everything/everyone else in between that/who has helped bring me up and out of my despair and into a big hug or cute sweater or better attitude, prettier aura, wider smile or simply joyfulness for being alive and being Kendra. Thank you thank you thank you.

To continue with Thankfulness, I am making a resolution. Today is October 19th and I recognize that it has very little significance “resolution” wise, and definitely pales in comparison to New Years Day, but now, it is significant.

Today, Right Now, I am Resoluting [annnnd that is not a word according to word processor…. ] to be more thankful. And more positive!! And I am going to put it into action. And I think you should do it too. So here goes:

I am thankful …

…because I have people in my life that love me

[For Example]

• Today’s Notable is Christine. Tonight's is Julie for saying she loves reading my blog.
  
• Yesterday’s Notable was Keely → thank you all for answering my BBMs.
• This weeks Notable(s):
• mom and dad → thank you for the laughs, help with the tears, snails and pig trotters, good conversations and an all around amazing time.
• Lindsay for talking to me on the phone at 1:30 a.m. her time
• Morgan for the cute skype message
• Bonnie for REDEEMING my THANKSGIVING!!
• Vicki for her emails :)
• This semester’s Notable:  
• Helen. If you would like to read more about Helen please click {here} for my {other} blog where my Helen stories are even funnier than my Lost In Translation stories ☺ 
• Sam. Your encouragement keeps me afloat. Thank you for everything. 
  

[just to name a few. there are so many more who you will continue to meet over the course of this blog]

…for my hands (I saw a man earlier with a completely bandaged hand...)

…that I have time to write today.

It may look rudimentary, and it is, but this is just the beginning.

Here Is My Resolution: write (or simply be conscious of) three things I am thankful for every day. They can be large or small, silly or serious, thought of in passing or meditated on throughout the day. The goal is to over come tanha (the narrow limits of our own self-interest) and become more thankful, more positive, more aware, more loving and more outwardly flowing as opposed to inwardly drowning (like I do when I despair).

And now we will go back to despair, again.

If, after reading this blog, you are still despairing, don’t. I have been there. Actually 30 minuets ago exactly. I had spent the morning marinating in my own mess, stressing out about the three midterms I was about to take, when I (dressed like Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story with my three thick layers, boots and hood on because it was, and is, freezing in our bedroom) went into the kitchen to make some tea. Señora was there and she said “Hola Helen.”……….? Now I don’t know if she actually thinks/thought I was Helen (I was wearing a hood, but Helen and I look very different hood or no hood) or she just did not bother to correct herself, because she looked completely unfazed and then proceeded to address my strange choice of dress.

Despair:1

Kendra: 0

Also, (and this is my main reason for despair, as the aforementioned despairing was really more funny than offensive) I have just been having a difficult time lately. I have been feeling less like “Independent Kendra” ← a.k.a. the person I am striving to become, and more like a “Dependent Dollop of Mayonnaise” (I chose this because A. I like alliteration (dependent dollop) a lot B. this is a good example of something dependent, because Mayonnaise alone is not too pleasant and C. last weekend there was an amazing Mayonnaise story so mayonnaise is on the mind. Please check {here} for more information about the mayonnaise).

If I were to self analyze in an effort to self actualize, I would say my angst is because my routine was a little bit thrown off by midterms and my parents visiting (which was AMAZING!! And of course I would rearrange any routine for parents coming or friends coming) but blaming midterms is a cop out.

What really disturbed me is this: Isn’t life just one big change to the routines in our head? Even if we are successful in keeping something that looks kind of like a routine for some amount of time, it is bound to get disturbed sooner or later (by a missed metro, friend phoning, childbirth… the list is endless, literally). A better question is: Why do I like my routines? Do I find them oddly comforting in a world of discomfort (seriously, someone blew cigar smoke directly into my mouth the other day)? Is this arbitrary thing (A ROUTINE) my way of proving myself (to myself) to be independent?

[“um no I can’t hang out, I have a date with myself to go scrapbook”]

Why do I envy the people that just do their own thing? I do my own thing too but I like to do it with other people around! And if I am not with other people I would have liked to have chosen to not be with other people because that is one of the curses of the only child. Or at least My Version of Only Child. Once I had a roommate, I decided that I never wanted to go back to living alone because having a roommate is like having a 24 hour companion (especially if your roommate, who is what is precious in the world, is Helen) to play with!! And I like my alone time. But “liking my alone time” is conditional. I only like it when I choose it for myself. When alone time is thrust upon me, I tend to freak out (as we have seen in previous blogs).

Despair: 2

Kendra: 0

Buddhism is a religion that I really admire. I am in the process of trying to incorporate Buddhist teachings into my life. I completely resonate with the idea that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” but I have a very hard time with the second part of that philosophy. “If you don’t have attachments you are naturally liberated.” I understand perfectly how the two relate (the things that make you suffer are the things that you are attached to [e.g. if you suffer from the fear of death, you are too attached to life]) yet cannot imagine not having attachments. To reference Harry Potter: I often feel like I have my own Horcruxes (except I have not killed anyone, so they are much less evil and much less dramatic) and they are mostly people. Different people right now are walking around with different parts of my soul. I don’t know if this is good or bad. There are good things that come with this, but also, I feel more vulnerable because of it. Different people and things in my life have the power to make or break my day. That is scary because it makes me feel out of control, and I am a person (clearly- you just read about my routines, my attempt to control time) who likes control. So yes, it would be easier to live a life of non-attachment. Is that who I am? Not at all. So maybe part of this is me learning how to deal with myself. Maybe I need to go back and redefine my terms. Maybe true independence is flexibility. Maybe my routine should be “follow life today.” Maybe I need to treat my thoughts like visitors and open my doors to the kind ones and greet, then say goodbye to, those that are not. Maybe this could all be solved with a mantra like “just let go.”

But until I figure out all of that… I will continue to grow and attempt to not despair when I realize that I am not in control.

And here we are back at despair.

If, after reading this blog, you are still despairing, don’t. I have been there.

Here is how I combat despair:

1. With thankfulness (see above)
2. By seeing the funny in the mundane
3. By writing
4. By focusing on the things that make me happy and the things that make me, me

[For example:]

Today I went to Starbucks. Before you start asking me why I go to Starbucks when I am in Madrid, let me explain. When I am having a hard day, I like to go to Starbucks. Maybe it is because when you work somewhere it becomes your “day home” or maybe it is because their Chai reminds me of Christmas, but whatever the reason, I find Starbucks to be familiar and comforting.

One of the reasons I loved working at Starbucks was the music. I love that Starbucks plays everything from Noah and the Whale to The Police to Frank Sinatra to Jazz. Today they were playing oldies, which was wonderful, and then they started to play Jazz, which was even more wonderful. Helen was to my right, trying to study, while I told her all the interesting facets of Buddhism when I gasped because they started playing “In a Sentimental Mood.” That was when my day started to get better.

A few moments later as we were leaving, they started to play Mingus Big Band, Haitian Fight Song.

It was officially a great day.

Despair: 2

Kendra: 2

I had a second break between two of my midterms and I went to the study room only to get no studying done which was fine because A. I was studied out and B. I made new friends and C. we (a group of girls- one guy tried to sit through this but ended up leaving) started talking about baby names. Today I was wearing my maternity shirt and one of those really fashionable tourist neck pouches inside the shirt. It honestly looked like I was about 5 months along, so naturally we had to talk about baby names.

Favorite Quote:

“I want to name my daughter Olivia because it’s such a good name.” –Olivia Burd

Despair: 2

Kendra: 3

The other day Helen and I were at one of our favorite lunch spots and they were playing a really catchy song. I of course wrote down (what I could hear of) the lyrics and forgot to google them until today. I had had a feeling it was Regina Spektor… and it was!! {Regina Spektor/The Calculation} Usually I have to poke around and rearrange the lyrics but this was a first timer. I know this seems silly but it was really, really rewarding. And it happened twice today. {Second Song: Billie the Vision and the Dancers/Summercat}

ALSO, we went running in the park today! I was enjoying some “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman” and “Frank Sinatra” Pandora Radio when more superb songs came on. {some Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald and Frank of course}

So clearly music is very powerful in helping me combat despair. I completely forgot that I did this, but I just looked at my iTunes and saw that a few days ago I created a playlist called “when I am despairing.”

Despair: 2

Kendra: 4

Last Thursday Helen and I were getting stressed out because of our upcoming exams. I ran home to grab some books and decided to litter our room with pink sticky notes to ease some of Helens angst (because in addition to being stressed out she was going through a little bit of… “separation anxiety”… because I was sleeping at the hotel with my parents).

Today, as I was leaving our bedroom for a snack, I ran into the “Today is a GREAT DAY” sticky note.

Umm… Done and Done.

Despair: 2

Kendra: 5

Your To Do List:

When you are despairing…

1. Write down what you are thankful for
2. Just write in general. If you are at a loss for how to start, just begin with “I like…”
3. Create a “when I am despairing” playlist. Use songs that make you happy! The ones that illicit that dancing side that you try to hide! I used “A Lot of Living To Do” from Bye Bye Birdie and “Bulletproof” by La Roux to name two…
4. Focus on the things that make you happy. Write them down!

Here are mine:

Things that make me happy {in no particular order}

1. People {family, friends, roommates, everyone who does not abuse their car horn...}
2. Tea
3. Picnics
4. Running
5. Reading
6. Writing
7. Laughing
8. Twirling
9. Cooking
10. Organizing
11. Sewing
12. Baking
13. Grocery Shopping
14. Good Cheese (for the picnic)
15. Project Runway
16. Christmas
17. Florida
18. My Sigg bottle
19. My Decorative Pillows
20. The Artwork I Own
21. The Artwork I Make
22. Jazz music
23. Jazz music
24. Jazz music
25. Smooth Jazz (I know its me and my dad on this one)
26. The Musicians on the Streets in Madrid/Spain/Europe/Old Town Pasadena
27. Camping and Packing for Camping
28. Late Nights
29. Sam 
    
30. Early Mornings
31. Sleeping In
32. GIRLIE BBQ'S!!
33. Chips and Salsa
34. Fruit from a Can (to the disgust of my roommate!)
35. Tofu!!
36. Salad
37. Soup
38. Lentils
39. BUNNY!!!!!!!!
40. All Animals
41. All Plants
42. Long Walks
43. The Beach
44. Overstuffed Chairs
45. Small Apartments on Second Stories
    
46. Narnia
47. Hot Showers
48. Gluten-Free Brownies
49. Trying to Speak Spanish
50. Daydreaming
    
51. Planning my Honeymoon
52. Traveling!!
53. Biking in Balboa Park
    
54. Lemonade (and Lemonade Stands)
55. Making Gifts
56. Wrapping Christmas Gifts in Trader Joes Bags
57. Laughing with Friends and Family
58. Learning How To Love Better
59. Coffee Shop Dates
60. Being Loved and Loving  

[there are so so so many more things... this is just the beginning.]

This is Just the Beginning.

To conclude: I don’t think that this is a coincidence… This song came on as I was writing:

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

On The Radio//Regina Spektor

So remember, at the end of the day, you are very, very loved.

And lastly, if all else fails, go {here}